Double Standards: (Playa vs. Ho) by Rambling Raven
By Raven • Mar 23rd, 2009 • Category: Rambling Raven •
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Double Standards: (Playa vs. Ho) by Rambling Raven
I foolishly thought that in this day and age we were moving away from antiquated ideas regarding the social behaviors of men and women. I especially thought that within my own social group people were a little enlightened when it came to issues of sex and gender. Yet over the past few months, I have learned that regardless of the time in which we live, or the educational background of the social circle, people still give men a pass when it come to certain sexual behaviors. And the women are often criticized for engaging in similar escapades.
There is a woman I know who is bright, beautiful, fashionable and very free and open. This woman has no hang-ups with telling people what she likes and how she likes it. She goes after what she wants and she lets people know up front where they stand with her. This woman is known for being sexually honest and open, and for going through relationships as quickly as she changes hair styles. She has admitted that she is not ready for a committed relationship. She was married once and it was a horrific experience for her. She has no intention of going down that road again any time soon. On some level, I envy her openness and her to-hell-with-what-people-think attitude. On the other hand, I do see the hurt and baggage she carries around that led her to that state. Within our social circle many people look at this woman and judge her for her lifestyle. The word “ho” is sarcastically thrown around when people speak of her.
Ironically, there is a male within the same social circle whose sex life is lived as freely as the female’s. This man is college educated, has his own home and makes a very decent salary. He too had one failed marriage. He also has three children by three different women. He has been in at least five different “relationships” with women he works with. I know of three married women he has had affairs with and now he is with a woman who I can only describe as “a chick from da hood.” Yet when people speak of him the only thing they do is laugh and shake their heads at his antics. He is considered a “playa” among the men, and some of the women regardless of his behavior think that he is a good catch.
I asked people within this social circle what’s the difference between the lifestyles of the two acquaintances. The response I got from the men was that they couldn’t respect a woman who was “out there.” They stated that they would “do” or “get with” the woman if given the chance but could never be serious about her because everyone knew what she was all about. And they could never have a woman who had a reputation in the streets. The women were often catty in their remarks. They stated that this woman “thought she was all that,” and that “she doesn’t respect herself by being with so many different guys.”
So what about the male friend? From the men I got “oh, he’s just doing his thang,” “don’t get mad, he’s just taking what is given to him.” Some of the women in the group said that they didn’t like or approve of the things he did but believed that he was just being a man. A few believed that he just hadn’t met the right woman yet, and still others stated that he was like 90% of the men they knew.
Although we seem to see more and more women in society who are open and un-apologetic about their sexuality, they are still up against a society that holds different standards for them than men. Women seem to get “reputations” for being a certain way while men seem to get adulations. Sadly, it is both the men and women who will judge a female negatively for her sexual antics, while overlooking the man’s for his. And as a woman I have always wondered what it was within our social and psychological makeup that made women judge one another so harshly.
Now, I personally don’t approve of either of the acquaintances’ sexual escapades. Personally, I think in this day and age there is too much going on in the world to go from one partner to the next. However, I do believe that an adult, regardless of gender, has a right to live their life the way they see fit. I just think that we need to move on from giving negative connotations to women, i.e. “ho,” while we give men who engage in the same behaviors positive connotations, i.e. “playa.” If the behavior is considered negative by societal standards, than it should be wrong for all who engage in it.
Society consistently sends mixed messages to women. We are often encouraged to be strong and sexy. However, if we are perceived as being too strong or too sexy we are deemed bitchy or slutty. It is a double-edged sword for us while men still get a free pass.
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Raven is an educator with a B.A. in Psychology and a M.A. in Education. She has been an avid reader since childhood. Her favorite genres are mystery, suspense, and horror, although she will give any genre a try. She is a life long resident of Chicago. Her love of books opened her mind to people, places and events far beyond her Chicago home. Reading helped to shape her world and her opinion of the events that took place within it. No matter what demands her career requires of her, she has always found time to read and write in a journal. Along with reading and journaling, she loves to watch the sunset, and discuss hot topics with family and friends. She loves baseball, horror movies, mysteries, listening to music from every corner of the world and expressing her view of the latest books with the women of APOOO.
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It is sad but true, and much like racism, it is real hard to change long ingrained perception. I have a young mentee, who at twenty-one is going through something like this. She lost her mom at fifteen and spent her teen years quite wild. Now she has changed, living differently, but it is as though she has the ‘HO’ tag tatted on her back. Until boys are raised to believe that women are truly equal in every arena, this will not change. And it will not because people, moms and dads are still teaching the double standard. My goal was to teach my boys to be as careful of what they put out there as anyone and that every woman should be treated the way they want me treated…
Angelia´s last blog post..SCHAE’S STORY!
Kudos to you Angelia. I think ending the double standard must start with our children. Boys, must understand that numerous sexual partners doesn’t make you a man.
Well, I for one do not approve anymore for the man being a ho than I do the woman. Unfortunately, though old mores are hard to break. I admit, I look at a woman as not respecting herself or her body and I agree there are far too many diseases and risks, especially to women for being out there. I have no respect for a man that is out there and it is not cute and it is not the kind of man I would want to get with or I would want for my daughter. But as you say, grown folks can live as they want but be forwarned you will be judged; that’s just the way it is.
Dera Williams´s last blog post..He’s Back….E. Lynn Harris Back in Familiar Territory
You know Raven my sexual life has always been private…and it’s been for a reason…lol. Thankfully I was taught that sex was beautiful when done under the right conditions, with the right person and in the right frame of mind. Fortunately, I learned to kiss and not tell because honestly sisters are more judgmental than men. But, one thing about having lived all over the country and not necessarily close to family or judgmental friends is that I was able to live my life on my own terms without backlash of folks being all up in my business. That and the fact that goes on behind closed doors ain’t nobody’s business (if I do…hehe).
Great post and unfortunately until folks change their mindsets these double standards will still continue…now if an individual like to have their cake and eat it two…words of advice…don’t play where you work and sleep…and NEVER EVER feel the need to brag or discuss with your friends…because everybody doesn’t have your best interest in mind…some folks are just messy, contrary, jealous and if they can’t have fun they don’t want anyone else to have fun either…oh yeah and NEVER leave home without a raincoat…and if you’re going to have multiple partners…make sure you know a little about their sexual history before you start knocking boots…:)
This was part of my groups infamous question of the night. When we get together there is at least one and the men tend to stay away from the question. We pretty much got the same answer from the men that you got, however, our women were a little more liberal and felt what is good for the goose is good for the gander.
Boy I wish I could tape those debates and share them with you all. they get crazy, but we have alot of fun. The men shy away because they feel it causes problems for the ride home.
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Lashonda, wise men…hehe.
The problem with both of these individuals is that they have no shame about their game and are very open about their escapades. The only difference is that the female is judged harshly while the male’s escapades are laughed at and excused.
Great as always Raven. Unfortunately I don’t think this double standard will ever go away. Men will always think this way. Like Yas said women have to keep their “business” to themselves. What folks don’t know they won’t have to judge.
Uranie, yep, yep and I venture to say there are probably more women getting their freak on…they just ain’t telling everyone because they know how men and women would perceive them.
Raven…it’s a shame that they’re not treated equally…dang even sistas be hatin’…lol.
Yamin, I think the killing part of my little social project was that it was the WOMEN who were the most hateful toward the female in question. And as for women who get their freak on, one thing I learned a looooooonnnnngggg time ago to keep my business to myself. And to DEMAND the guy I was with to do the same. If I even thought someone knew personal stuff, it was ooooooooonnnnnnnnnn!!! LOL
Raven…sistas need to work it out…we need to stop berating or judging women different from men…now if we’re an equal opportunity hata’ like Dera (hehe) I have no problem…but to think a man is a playa and a woman is a ho’…I have a problem with that…why can’t a sista enjoy sex and get her freak on with whomever too…
Years ago, my friend Ivan (a gay male) told me that unless someone was feeding, financing, or f*cking him, he didn’t care what they thought. I amended it to someone has to be doing all three for me, and I still wouldn’t care what they think. LOL. I’m just saying.
But seriously, I decided a long time ago that I would not live my life worrying about what other people are saying about me. The flip side of that is that I had to give up worrying about what other people are doing with their lives. Minding other people’s business is a great way to keep ourselves entertained and to continue to live an unexamined life. And that’s all that a double standard is- an opportunity to throw stones while hiding our hands. If women and men are “out there” and being sexually and socially responsible (no unwanted pregnancies, no sexually transmitted infections, consensual sex, partners who are of legal age, and truthfulness with one another about what is going on- multiple partners, same sex partners, etc.) then I don’t give a rip one way or the other. I’ve got bigger fish to fry- like how are we going to give every child in this country a good education and a fighting chance, ending racism, sexism, civil injustice, and domestic violence, world peace, and saving the planet. I’m not kidding.
But responsibility also entails discretion. If we are friends and you are telling me your business, cool. If we are co-workers without a relationship outside of work and you are telling me your business- not cool. Male or female. If we are friends, I’m not going to judge you. If I think you are heading down a slippery slope, I’ll let you know that- out of love, but still no judgement. If we are acquaintances, then I’m probably going to pull your coat tail in terms of putting your business out there, but not your business in general.
But that’s just me.
Thanks for getting me out of my Monday afternoon monotony. LOL
Djuanna´s last blog post..Weekend In Review
Alright now…and loved your commentary…lots of good points expressed.
Excellent post and comments
Great post Raven and excellent commentaries ladies!
Thats the key Djuanna “mind your own business” LOL Folks are way too nosy for me.