Moral Conflict by Rambling Raven
By Raven • Nov 24th, 2008 • Category: Rambling Raven •
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Moral Conflict by Rambling Raven
What do you do when someone you love engage in activities you don’t morally agree with?
I have never been a holy-roller or active in any church for any length of time. However, I do consider myself to have a high sense of moral values. I have been told by a few that my life views are way too conservative for a person my age. In other words, there are times when I can be a prude. Now, I by no means bash anyone over the head with my beliefs, or even give unwanted advice or suggestions when it comes to moral matters.
There have been many people I have known who have done a variety of things I don’t agree with. Usually, I smile, shake my head and tell them to do what makes them happy. Just as long as what makes them happy is not hurting others. Secretly, I often form a strong opinion of that person. I wrap them up in a nice little box and put them in a corner of my brain as someone I wouldn’t want to get too friendly with. Those were people I could easily separate myself from.
There is a person in my life that I care about deeply but do not agree with the life choices she is making. My dear cousin is going through a rough patch in her marriage. However, instead of working things out at home she has begun an affair with a co-worker. The relationship is so obvious that the entire workplace is buzzing about it. To top it all off the other man has a questionable reputation. Leaving everyone to ponder why such an upstanding woman would put her reputation and family life on the line for this person. I have heard some of the nasty rumors, witnessed the deception and been given the inside scoop on the entire nasty affair.
I am an ear for my cousin, a shoulder to lean on, yet it rips my heart apart that she is doing something that goes against every fiber of my being. I have carefully and tactfully voiced my concern. Still it takes everything in me to not yell, rant, and bitch at her about what she is doing and how deplorable I consider it to be. There have been times when I have been so frustrated and disgusted by the entire situation I have vowed to stop talking to her. It never lasts. She and her family have been such an important part of my life, I can’t just climb on my high horse and gallop away.
Its tough coming to terms with what my cousin is doing to herself and her family. I can’t even wrap my mind around her apparent love for this other man. But how do I tell her all of this without losing her and coming off as being high and mighty? I know she is in a fragile place emotionally. I don’t want to dump on her and make the situation worst. In conversations with her, she makes a sensible case. She states that she knows it’s wrong and she can’t go on like this forever. She has explained to me that she still loves her husband and doesn’t want to leave him, but things have changed between them. She admits the faults of the other man and acknowledges his past mistakes. However, he makes her happy, he fills a void, and there is a side of himself that he shows to her but protects and hides from others. Alone, the two are able to put everything on the table and allow one another to just be themselves. In him, the most unlikely person on earth, she has found a kindred spirit.
I have tried to listen to my cousin with empathy. I have shared this entire rollercoaster ride with her for months now. It has all left me exhausted and questioning the values I have set for myself. In all of this I am beginning to see that when dealing with moral issues there are many gray areas. Life happens and we are not always prepared for situations we find ourselves in. We often make choices that work for us at that moment, regardless of the consequences.
I look at my cousin and say to myself that I could never do what she is doing. Although, I may never find myself in the exact same situation, I can’t be sure that I will never find myself knee deep in a potentially life altering conflict. The only thing I can hope for is that I will have someone who loves me enough to reserve judgment, be a sounding board and a shoulder to lean on. And that is what I intend to do for my cousin. I can still love her but not condone what she is doing. Adultery in my view is never right. However, I don’t have to push my cousin away because she is committing it. She is an adult and she knows right from wrong. At this time in her life the lines are blurred. During this time of weakness she doesn’t need me to beat her over the head with my beliefs. In time she will face the consequences of her actions. A choice will have to be made one way or the other. In the meantime, I will try to keep that high horse at bay. I am still sticking to my beliefs regarding adultery, but I won’t make my beliefs my cousin’s burdens, she has enough to carry on her own.
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Raven is an educator with a B.A. in Psychology and a M.A. in Education. She has been an avid reader since childhood. Her favorite genres are mystery, suspense, and horror, although she will give any genre a try. She is a life long resident of Chicago. Her love of books opened her mind to people, places and events far beyond her Chicago home. Reading helped to shape her world and her opinion of the events that took place within it. No matter what demands her career requires of her, she has always found time to read and write in a journal. Along with reading and journaling, she loves to watch the sunset, and discuss hot topics with family and friends. She loves baseball, horror movies, mysteries, listening to music from every corner of the world and expressing her view of the latest books with the women of APOOO.
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Wow, Raven, that was brave to write this. Your values mirror mine and I often find myself being judgmental. I do the same thing, keep clear of people who are doing those things. I hope your cousin find her way and makes the best decision. All you can do is be there for her when it comes to a head.
Dera´s last blog post..My name is Dera and I am a bookaholic
First off..that picture of LL is HOT..as in sizzle, sizzle, hot, hot. Great post. For me, I tend to mind my own business. I’ve learned from past hurts that I can’t judge another’s love life. Prayers going up for yours.
Wow, ok… I’m just going to say that I have a good friend that was in a relationship (and may still be) with a married man and I did tell her what I thought about the relationship. The reason being was when she came to her senses, I didn’t want her to say to me, why didn’t you say anything? Also, after you say, I’m not cool with what you’re doing because I know you’re so much better than that, you can let her know that you still love her, you just don’t love what she’s doing. I think it’s my responsibility if I call someone my friend to not be ok with them selling themselves short. By not saying anything, I’m okay with it.
Great post
:sigh:: That is a hard position to be in. Since she is grown you cannot treat her like a child. I think you realize she is emotionally fragile right now and you are struggling to find the right words to say, so you say nothing.
I feel the same way you do. Have you sat her down and said, “this is my opinion for what it is worth”, I love you, and I am here for you? I don’t think she is thinking clearly right now. She is confused, stressed out, plus probably feeling a bit guilty.
Dera,
I am not that brave, to tell you the truth. I mulled over writing this for a long time. And I must say that I was able to protect myself. I wrote just enough to protect the guilty without compromising the message I wanted to state in this blog.