Sex-Have it Your Way! by Djuanna Brockington
By Djuanna Brockington • Sep 26th, 2008 • Category: Free Flow Friday, Musings of a Mid-Life Diva •
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Sex-Have it Your Way! by Djuanna Brockington
When was the last time you had sex because you felt like it? Ok, ok, I really don’t expect you to tell me, but just ponder the issue for a minute.
If statistics are right, most of us started having sex in our teens. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I can say that at 18 (I was a virgin until my first weekend in college) I was wondering what the hoopla was all about. I spent the last two years of my teens working out the kinks with my high school sweetheart, who later became my husband. Neither of us knew very much, so we learned together.
By the age of 21, I was married and having sex pretty regularly. It improved as time went on, but sex was never really about me. It was sort of like I was on automatic pilot. I responded to all of the physical and verbal cues- sometimes with a sex kitten attitude, and sometimes I was just going along to get along, especially after the birth of Diva in Training. Often, I wanted to get sex over with so that I could get to sleep or read my book, or have a moment in front of the television. I didn’t see sex as something for me. It was almost always about The Ex.
When I finally started dating after my divorce and it’s aftermath, I decided that sex was going to be all about me. By now, I was in my early 30s and figured that since my personal and professional responsibilities were increasing, I needed to take charge in the sex department. I made it really clear to prospective suitors that we were only getting busy on my terms. My rules were: I say when, where, how, and I define the relationship ( if there was going to be such a thing). I was surprised at the the reactions- most of the men readily acquiesced. Ok, except for this one guy who I used to call The Little Biyatch because a few weeks into our fling he called me up at work and cussed me out because he said he was not a piece of meat and he was worthy of a relationship and was no longer going to be my maintenance man. This guy was a smooth operator and thought he could handle a woman calling the shots. Guess not. LOL. I kind of felt like I had scored a big one for women who had been snared by a player at some time in their lives, and by the end of the day, I had called pretty much every one of my girlfriends to tell them the tale. I still laugh when I think of that conversation. Anywho, sex became a much more enjoyable experience for me, and I dare say for my partners, because I decided that pleasing me was important.
The thirties are gone, and I am finally in a relationship with a loving man who is the yin to my yang in every way. And the sex is incredible, btw. But I learned a lot about me in my thirties by claiming my sexuality. I learned that when I know myself and am clear in expressing my desires, I get what I want, and I have no regrets. And this has carried over to all other areas of my life.
When was your sexual revolution? And how did your partner handle it?
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Djuanna Brockington is is a Southern Diva who knows about mid-life. Once she hit her 40s, life as she knew it no longer made sense. What she wanted and what she was experiencing, both personally and professionally, were not matching up, so she started seeking change. Be careful what you wish for. After 19 years of service, Djuanna left full-time employment in the public sector for life as a consultant and writer. When she is not chasing the dollars to pay the bills, she is enjoying her family and friends, reading whatever she can get her hands on, and working on that elusive novel. Visit Djuanna on the web at http://www.divafictionbytes.com
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I didn’t have a sexual revolution, I don’t think. I started having sex at a young age with a period of promiscuity fueled by some tragedies in my life. As I look back over my “sexual career”, lol, the sex I had as a teen was just completing the act. I did not have a true orgasm until I was of legal age and in college. I mean I thought that I was having one in past years but I guess they were mirages.Since my discovery of the “true Big O” I have been able to have them continuously throughout a session and have realized it doesn’t take much for me to get there. With this finding I was able to take more control over how I was pleased.
At the end of my 20’s I went through another sexual change. I started wanting sex more without inhibitions embedded in my in relation to my childhood pains. I felt like I was finally alive sexually. Yes even though I was able to easily get to orgasm and have several in one session, I was not fully in control of my sexual relationships. The fact that I had never had one relationship that consecutively lasted for more than 1.5 years played a big role in my inability to maintain control over my sexuality. On average my relationships ended after 3 months. Not one person that I slept with could seem to handle my ideals about life, my sexuality, or the person I was, including my past traumas that affected me tremendously and ultimately shaped who I was, or who I thought I was.
I am in my early 30’s now and I am in a steady, loving relationship, almost 3 years strong. Since being with him, I have experienced orgasms that have surpassed those I had in my late teens and 20’s. When we get it in he makes sure I am thoroughly pleased and takes pleasure in pleasing me. I think that makes the sex better for me and he gets off more when I am satisfied. In the past I became bored in sessions with past lovers. I mean it was good but boredom would definitely set in if it went past 30 minutes. Recently, in my current relationship, we went for 3 hours in a session and time seemed to fly by. It was the greatest sex I ever had, indeed!
First off I have to say that this is such a great topic! I’m going to have to send this one to a few of my friends, mother included.
Sex– my way– didn’t start for sometime like you. I also started as a young teen; with someone I thought would forever be the love of my life. To begin, sex and TV are nothing alike, and no one tells you that. No laughing. I mean I knew it would be different, but not that different. I definitely underestimated the effect it would have on me mentally and never ever felt comfort. While in health class or listening to your friends and family no one prepares you for the emotions. It’s all about safe sex, which is important, but there also needs to be more. This made sex even weirder for me after it wasn’t with the person I thought that I’d love forever. The few people I shared myself with I thought, no big deal, that the pressure would be off because the love factor was off the table which made it worse. Now I won’t say I was filled with experience, but I never came away from it feeling good, enthused or fulfilled. I was always wondering what was I thinking.
I’ve been with my husband since I was 19 years old I am currently 35. It took us so long to hit a good stride. For the longest I was in the ‘playing’ stage, pretending to be so spent when afterwards I’d be like great, it’s over and rushed out of the bed. One day I blurted out, ‘I’m not happy sexually!’ To say my husband was shocked is putting it mildly. He asked me what did I need or want and from that day forward it’s been about pleasing the both of us. Deidra, I totally understand what you mean about pleasing. Because he does take pleasure in knowing that he’s making me happy and if he feels that it’s not benefiting me he’s willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that we’re both in the right spot. Since being open and honest with my husband we’re having the GREATEST sex ever! I didn’t like to initiate, I didn’t like for it to be prolonged, but NOW— I get sex—my way— on the regular and I’m loving it!!!
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I feel ya, that is why I am so glad I was raised by a bevy of smart, forward thinking women who told me before I ever had sex, that sex was for more than to please a man, and a woman should come away from a sexual experience with more than just a ‘wet behind’ I am telling you that is what the divas in my life said, and I thank them…as such I enjoy my time with my husband of thirty years and it is about “US” woo hooo!
Smooches,
angelia
Oh my goodness! For me the question is, when was the last time I had sex because I DIDN’T want to!! LOL. I have very few memories of having sex when I didn’t feel like it. Throughout my life, sex has always been something I thoroughly enjoyed. And few men I’ve been with (four boyfriends and an ex-husband) have always been interesting to me. Sex only became an issue when THEY became an issue. But once I moved on and fell in love again, it was all good.
I love intimacy and rarely have a problem with it. I feel terrible when sisters tell me they have to almost force themselves to have sex. For me, it is more a condition of the mind and heart than the body. When you find that ONE, there is no lack of desire to be sexual.
Live, LOVE and enjoy sex ladies! The right guy will allow you to enjoy it daily!!
Great topic but I don’t kiss and tell….lol
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I didn’t have a sexual revolution until my late, late 30’s, Like Djuanna I was a virgin until I was 18 and my boyfriend at the time was also, so we didn’t know what we were doing or if we were doing it right, And then yes i was also a “go along to get along” girl also, which made constant drama with the men in my life afterwards, After my divorce and back on th dating scene again, I decided that if the sex wasn’t good for me I would not go back for seconds (you know some women are not happy sexually, but they put up with it in an effort not to be alone), and It was a topic of discussion with any potential suitor, he definitely knew up front that if he did not bring his “A” game, there would be no “B” game. It is now and will forever be all about me. I do my part and have not had any complaints and even a few “stalkers” and so now that I am in my 40’s I feel that I am too old to be playing “sex games” either come right or don’t come at all (no pun intended) LOL
Thanks for the comments divas! It’s always interesting to hear about how other women navigate living and loving! You guys were open and honest. How cool is that!?
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Still waiting …..
Cilla…rotflmao!
I’m with Darnetta, I don’t kiss and tell. But I will say this, I’ve been fortunate.
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