Is Being a Single Parent an Option For Me?
By APOOO • Nov 3rd, 2008 • Category: Motivational Monday •
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Is Being a Single Parent an Option For Me??
Last week at work (these conversations always seem to take place among co-workers), there were several of us huddled around, talking on our break, and the conversation veered towards relationships and children. I automatically cringed. I knew what road this conversation was going to ease on down to. And sure enough there I was being asked THE question—-“Girl when are you going to have a baby?”
I am sick and tired of that one. And my answer is always the same—“I am not married yet.” Sadly (even among so called “educated” people) it seems to shock those asking the question. I always get that look. The one that makes me feel as if I just stepped off a spaceship with three heads, asking folk to take me to their leaders. “What’s marriage got to do with anything?” And so the conversation begins.
It ticks me off when this line of questioning comes from my co-workers, especially. Primarily because we are educators and African American women, and if any group of women should understand the difficulties of raising children alone, it should be us. We see on a daily basis the enormous odds and consequences children are subjected to when they come from fragmented homes. Yet, I am always told that because I am a professional, my children would be different. I agree to a point. Although, I can’t be certain that if I had a child and raised it on my own, the child would not face as many challenges as a child from a mother with less education and a lower economic status.
I have always wanted and believed in a two parent household. I came from one and when I compare certain aspects of my life with friends who didn’t, I think I am very lucky that mama and daddy were there for and with me. Yes, I am fast approaching my mid-thirties and that biological clock is blaring. Still, I am not ready to give up on my dreams of what I want my family dynamics to be.
Frankly, I am getting fed up with feeling as if I am a relic from the past with outdated ideas and values regarding marriage and children. To hell with what the rest of society may or may not be doing. I don’t care what celebrity is becoming a “baby mama.” It’s not the club I want to join. Latest statistics indicate that 70% of African American children are born to single parents. I know that not all of those children are living a horror story. There are many, many African American single parent households that are succeeding. God bless them. I take my hat off to parents out there doing the hardest job in the world and doing it correctly. They continue to move the dream forward. Yet, it can’t be denied that there are many more single parent households where there are problems and children, as well as parents, are not fairing well. Too many are not moving the dream forward. Life has no guarantees. Reared in a two parent household does not automatically predict a golden future. We all know that there are many variables that play into that. Personally, I just want to give my children all the little opportunities I can from day one.
Besides, I too want a shot at the fairy-tale. Why should that only be a dream for others? I want to find the love of my life. I want that giddy period of dating, falling in love and planning a future together. I want someone to declare his love for me before our family, friends and God. I want someone to put a ring on my finger and profess that for the rest of his life I am the one he wants to be with. I want to profess the same to him. It is through a union like this that I want to bring forth children in. Okay. I DO know that stuff happens. There are odds we take when we enter into matrimony like any aspect of life. Still, on any given day, those are the odds I am willing to bet on. I realize that there are many single parents out there who didn’t “plan” on being a single parent. I also realize that the universe will throw you a curve ball when you least expect it. I however, would like to think that at this stage in my life I am a little more careful with what pitches I take. I wish others would respect the fact that for some of us, being a single parent is just not an option.
Rambling Raven
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Raven I can understand to an extent. I’m a parent but after I had my second I was asked when I would have the next, and the same thing after I had my third. Well, they can keep asking because I’m done given birth. Yes, I have a spouse, but things do happen. And I hope and pray my husband and I always weather the storms of relationships, but for any reason we don’t I don’t want to be a single to a gang of children.
Stand on what you know and believe. You have a right to have the happily ever after princess fairytale. Ask those women which one of them are going to help foot the bill to raise a child? I bet they will go running in the other direction with nothing to say.
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Raven, I hear you and can empathize with you. I hate the dreaded question which is why I very seldom went to family functions when I knew certain relatives would be there.
Once I told an uncle, point blank, to his face and loud enough for others to hear ” You have 5 daughters, 7 grandchildren and no son -in-laws, seems like to me you are worried about the wrong person!” You know that was the last time, he or anyother family member asked me about getting married and about have babies.
At age 38, I made peace with the fact that I wasn’t going to be birthing no babies,(I had just suffered my third miscarriage and my boyfriend at the time was diagnosed with prostrate cancer shortly thereafter) I decided to just enjoy life as it is. Ten years later, I enjoy my nieces and nephews, knowing that they would be going home as soon as I get tired of them or they get tired of me.
Keep on doing the right thing for yourself.
Ramble on, Raven, and stick to your dreams. Had I not married, I’d be in your shoes and feel the same way you feel. Single motherhood was never an option for me.
Yes, your children would be different. They might have nicer clothes and go to a nicer daycare, maybe even private school once they’re school-age. Because surely you would push education. They might get annual vacations and summer camps, and by way of your friends and their children, be exposed to worlds that some other children of single parents are not. But would you as Mommy have any more energy at the end of the day, especially since you’re not working a straight 9-5 (what professional is?) for reading books, playing with your children, or juggling the many activities they wish to be involved with? Would your children really watch less television and get more of you as you struggle to recharge your batteries at the end of a typical day or week?
And even with more money and an educated mother, your children would not be immune to the challenges of single motherhood. Like needing strong male influences. Like what to do at their school for the father’s breakfast? Like needing to be in more than one place at the same time and trying to figure out which child’s activity is of the highest priority (and how to assauge the child whose event isn’t chosen)?
Children want YOU, not your money. Take it from a married mother of three with lots of help from her hubby. Raising children ain’t easy under the best of circumstances. You have my respect.
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This is excellent. This column should be sent to every black media in the country. Let’s do it. This is an opinion that should be proudly shared. We do not see enough of this in our community. But why should this be a rarity in our community. Stand sister, stand.
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Hear, here…I heard that…hmmm with an addendum…my kids want my money also…lol…but I’m blessed to be able to provide for their needs and some of their WANTS because of hubby/their dad…but ain’t no way in the world would I willingly want to have children without some help…and Raven I remember when folks used to ask me the same thing…and I would do what you did…one time someone had the nerve to say…’it’s okay if you can’t have children…we understand’…WTF…lol. Dera…in agreement I’m also saying Stand sister, stand!
Single Sisters Who Don’t Want to Be Single Parents…UNITE and Stand Up because it’s okay if you don’t want to follow the status quo and you shouldn’t feel that you have to!
Although I am a single mother now, it’s not a role I picked. Being a kid of divorce, I would never pick that for my children as well. Being educated and a professional has nothing to do with it, your kids still miss out. I want that for my children and I commend you for holding out until you get that without thinking that you need to settle for less than that. It’s not fair to you or your children. I agree with the others, that this post needs to reach the masses.
Wow! Ladies, thanks for all the positive feedback. I am always worried about such pieces because I do know that our community has a 70% rate of single parents. My intention is never to step on toes but to give my God honest opinion. And many many times that will fall outside of the “norm” of what we see and experience within our community. I am so glad that so many of you feel me on this.
Great article Raven! Do you cause no one else can
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Raven, I’m right beside you in the trenches. Being a single parent is not an option for me either and I wish people would respect that instead of acting like I said something in another language when I say it’s because I’m not married.
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I agree with you that people need to mind thier own business when it comes to issues such as children or even marriage. I married a man because I was tired of people telling me “why arent you married? You gay? What’s wrong with you?” WHEW. Now I thought I liked this man enough to marry him but as it turns out he was not the one and after 2 weeks I knew I was getting a divorce. And you know what is funny, now when I say Im divorced, no one has shyet to say. Geesh
Linda, two weeks…rotlfmao…did you ever tell us about that marriage?
take it from a single parent of three Raven when I say it’s worth the wait to experience the joy of raising kids with someone.
I love my kids until the meat falls of their bones and if I had to make a decision again to have them out of wedlock, then I would still say yes again. Because i didn’t make a mistake, i made a choice.
But not only do i feel that they would have benefited a lot from a constant two parent home but I would have benefitted as well.
just a rambling from blogger how to love a black woman
Sylvia
This is an interesting discussion. It has some similarities to the one I’m having in my home right now. My son is 17, he’s 6′4 and about 230 lbs. All day in school and everywhere we go people stop him and ask him what position he plays in football, how’s your team doing, who you playing for, it’s endless. I don’t care where we go, the mall the movies, out to dinner, people stop him and ask. He is not playing sports, hasn’t for 3 years because he’s had three knee surgeries, one that reconstructed his entire knee. We’re praying for healing, but right now his knee is just shot. He recently tried out for basketball and the pain this kid went though emotionally and physically was just unbearable. I’ve talked to him about it and although he admits he loves sports, lives, breathes and eats them, some of his desire to make the team was just to shut people up. I had a real heart to heart with him about pressure from people. People who don’t care anything about you. They may ask you what team you play for and no matter what your answer is, the second they walk away, they’ve forgotten you. They don’t really care about you as a person, so you can’t continue to give them the power to make you feel like less of a person because you don’t meet their expectations.
I’m sure you are making the right decision for your life. Stay strong.
I agree with you Raven. I am a single parent but I wasn’t single when I became a parent though, again I agree with the parents out there, I love my children to death, but if i didn’t marry , I would not have had children either, both of my parents were in the house (as a matter of fact, it will be 45 years Feb.’09). I personally believe in a 2 parent household, but if there is a 1 parent household as long as the children get the most love and best care possible. Don’t listen to what others say. I used to say to people after I first got married and they were asking about children, I would say “when the good LORD sees fit” and if you have a problem with that, then you should take it up with HIM” that shut a lot of mouths. But for real, I have 2- I will be more than happy to share. LOL
Great advice Rhonda and Susan thanks for stopping by and sharing!