Spring Cleaning by Djuanna Brockington
By Djuanna Brockington • Mar 20th, 2009 • Category: Musings of a Mid-Life Diva •
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Today is the first day of spring. Which means that it’s time to do some spring cleaning.
Folks get on a roll with their cleaning. The closets, the windows, the garage, heck, even the car. It’s funny though. This year I did spring cleaning in my relationships.
When it comes to men, I don’t have much of a problem letting go (that’s old news). My relationship with The Man is just fine, by the way. No concerns there.
Nope, where I have a problem letting go is in my friendships with other women.
I want to believe that if you call me a friend, you have my back and you aren’t viewing me as a competitor, and that you won’t deliberately try to hurt me. Except, we know that not everyone thinks the way I do.
A few months ago, I found out that someone that I called a friend was besmirching my professional name at my former place of employment. But here’s the thing. I had already left employment there. I’m no more interested in returning to that place than I am in contracting the Ebola virus. In essence, she ended up as the placeholder in my former position, without the title, the staff, and a very different set of responsibilities. In other words, she got bits and pieces of what I left behind, but not my position. She was touting why she should have been the first choice to begin with. (Yes, I know. Sad, but true.)
Now, my first reaction was to call her up, cuss her out good, and then sever all ties.
But I’m working on being a kinder, gentler Djuanna, so I sat on it.
I limited contact with her by becoming very busy (the truth stretched immensely- just for her) over the course of several months. It’s only been in the last few weeks or so that I’ve realized that I’m not as shocked as I should be by her behavior. The signs were there. I chose to ignore them.
When I looked back over our relationship, I saw that I was a cheerleader and support system for her no matter what was going on in her life. In turn, she would wonder why I caught “all the breaks” when something good happened. If things were tough for me, she would tell me how they were worse for her. Like I said, all of the signs were there.
I’m pretty sure she’s figured out by now based on our infrequent, yet very polite interactions over the last few weeks that she blew it. No dramatic scenes. Just a subtle, yet perceptible shift in our interactions. We’ve gone from bosom buddies to social acquaintances. And I am OK with that.
I just made room in my life for a new, more worthy friend, if one should come along.
By now, y’all know how I feel about the Divas in my life. They are the ties that bind. But I also know that when people show you who they really are, believe them (thanks to Maya Angelou for that particular gem).
My advice: keep your friends close and your frienemies in sight at all times.
And don’t forget that living well (a life that is fulfilling and on your own terms) is the best revenge.
What type of spring cleaning do you need to do?
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Djuanna Brockington is a Southern Diva. Reading, writing, and running (on occasion) are her favorite things. Her short stories and novellas can be found on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com. When not ranting on APOOO, she's ruminating on her own website: http://www.divafictionbytes.com
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I don’t really have much spring cleaning to do, since we have been doing it all little by little here.
BTW, killing them with kindness is my motto. I do a lot of smiling and nodding when I’m not really feeling someone.
Jennifer C´s last blog post..Library
This was great. I’m going to send to my daughter. It’s funny we were looking at the new reality show, Harlem Heights, last night. And they have a frienemy situation going on in their group.
Time for me to go through my closets and getting my spring and summer clothes ready and reassess my wardrobe.
Dera Williams´s last blog post..He’s Back….E. Lynn Harris Back in Familiar Territory
Hey Djuanna great advise…I love the way you handled that friendenemy…I’m going to use that as I move forward with folks. Thankfully, right now, I feel like I’m aligned with all the important folks in my life…although interestingly enough someone from online who was an associate…sent me a note gloating about what they were doing and saying they were sorry to hear that something didn’t work out for me. Hmmm…WTF…I immediately clicked unsubscribe for them and now when I see them online I just ignore them because honestly unless you’re in my personal online space I’ve learned to tune you out….lol. And then there’s another online personality who could dish it, but couldn’t take it…I’ve since cooled it with her as well. I have enough drama living with a teen so I don’t need the added drama of ‘ole women’…lol. And a fellow Virgo told me this week…’you have got to stop letting folks get to you’…and this was right after I told someone else don’t take it personal. Rule of Thumb: Follow Thine Own Advise…hehe.
Anyway sis handle your business…
your ride or die chica
@ Jennifer- killing them with kindness does work. And it’s much easier to be kind when you’ve released it.
@Dera- thanks D. It’s a lesson I’ve relearned, but I think I have handled it pretty well this time around.
@Yas- my experience is that Virgos are fiercely loyal, and they expect that in return. I feel the same way. It sounds like folks don’t know how to be genuinely happy for one another. For me that hurts the most. There was no sense of competition for me. Whatever came her way, I was honestly thrilled- as if it had happened to me. Jealousy takes many forms, and it sounds like there were some green-eyed folks in your midst. And now they are gone. LOL. The circle of life.
Djuanna´s last blog post..APOOO Friday- 20 March 09
Well said! ‘Call it a lesson learned.’ If I had a penny for each time I tried hanging on, forgiving or trying to comprehend women and their so called friendships. I have never had issues when it has come to being friends with men. My closest friend, aside from husby, is male and I love him and we’ve never had problems. BUT some of the women who I’ve allowed in my circle stayed way too long and I was foolish each time I swept away something foolish they brought into my life. Recently one of my so called friends told me something in confidence about one of my other friends and because of the nature of what was said I couldn’t keep it to myself. Now, while I know some people may not understand the logic, all I can say is that this wasn’t the first time that this individual had told me something about my other friend and I knew that it wasn’t true, but I couldn’t allow a second time to happen and me not say something. Especially because the talked about friend is truly a gem. She helps without expecting anything in return and while she may have very strong opinions, when she’s in your corner, she’s truly in your corner. Okay so the talked about friend was helping another author out and the talking friend alleged that another author talked about the talked about friend. Now I knew parts of the story were true, but, I didn’t appreciate that the second author who the talked about friend had helped in many ways disrespecting her. So needless to say a whole lot of BS jumped off! Lies on top of lies were spilled with all of us still trying to figure out who said what and why. Of course the talker says that I’m the problem because I never should’ve said anything, but she also said that after admitting that she lied on the other author jeopardizing not only our friendship, but her and that authors as well! The talker and I had problems all of the time. She was always very one sided and narrow minded about a lot of things and whenever we disagreed there was always drama instead of respecting one another’s opinions. Well this happened in July 2008, and I can tell you’ll that since she’s been out of my life it’s like a weight has been lifted off of me. The talked about friend and I are still thick as thieves and the original author has no idea what transpired and the author who does I don’t ask if she does or doesn’t deal with the talker any longer cause I’ve learned my lesson.
As always Djuanna, you keep setting that bar high! I love these topics!
Great post. I did some spring cleaning with “friends” who typed and the wring IM message and let me know they talk about me behind my back.
My spring cleaning includes somethings I have dragged my feet about:
1)Working out on a regular
2)finishing the enrollment process for school
3)take more time for me(personal vacations and alone time)
Lashonda Silver´s last blog post..Finer Womanhood Week & Month
I agree with all who said they dont have time for the BS some people can bring in your space. As one who is still pretty much living out of a box..I dont have much to clean LOL
Life isn’t too short, but it’s not to be wasted. And that means wasting energy on people who don’t deserve our time. Translation: it gives them too much power. I say pass them like a full bus…
Great post as always. I never had much a problem with spring cleaning. When I first meet someone I can tell they aren’t someone I will deal with on a regular basis. I still roll with the same chicks I knew in 2nd grade
I have always tried to keep toxic people out of my life. Sadly, there are times when we don’t know how toxic folk are until we have invested a lot of time and energy in them.
I don’t have much spring cleaning to do because I’m always cleaning. I simply don’t have the time and energy anymore for nonsense or drama.
Ms. Toni´s last blog post..Ms Toni gave 5 stars to: Thirsty