Old Traps by Djuanna Brockington
By Djuanna Brockington • Jul 24th, 2009 • Category: Musings of a Mid-Life Diva •
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As much as I am always talking about being true to myself and getting cured of the disease to please, I have to admit that I occasionally find myself having momentary lapses. This week, my lapse involves boot camp and a friend. Now first off, let me tell you that Friend T has an issue. (Don’t we all?) Once she commits to something or someone, she feels like she can’t break it. That it’s a sign of weakness to not follow through. Me, on the other hand- well, I just don’t have that problem. I think it’s perfectly OK to change your mind. Circumstances change, feelings change, shit happens. All part of life. Of course, there has to be some balance. A person should be trustworthy and consistent. But that is not the stuff I’m talking about today.
I’m talking about things like: saying you think you want to try a boot camp, and then deciding- nah, maybe not. Or just admitting that you are too lazy to get up at 5 am, drive 30 minutes, workout for an hour, drive the 30 minutes it takes to get back home, and then start your day. The evening walks will suffice for now, thank you very much.
And that is what has happened to me recently. A couple of months ago, Friend T decided that she wanted to do boot camp. My response: that sounds good. I should do that. I need to work on my tummy. Blah, blah, blah. All the things you say when a friend is starting something new. Except what Friend T heard was: I will do that with you come hell or high water. Seriously, I’m thinking about taking her to get her hearing checked.
And on Tuesday, the barrage began.
You said you would come. (I don’t wanna.)
It’s only an hour. (I don’t wanna.)
How are you going to know if you’ll like it or not if you don’t try it? (I don’t wanna.)
I thought you said you wanted to get rid of your tummie? (Ohhh- below the belt. And still. I don’t wanna.)
This is just another sign of your commitment issues. (Seriously, I’m about to jump through the phone now. I. Don’t. Want. To.)
This went on for an hour.
And I finally acquiesced (code for bitched up).
By the time you read this, I will have been to boot camp and back. And I’m pretty sure I will be tired, sore, and pissy (as in attitude).
I did tell Friend T that from now on, when she hears me say I’m interested in something, she needs to understand that I’m marinating on it. Nothing more or less. Interest and commitment are not the same thing.
Come on. I know y’all have some stories about when you fell into old traps. Please help me out today-tell me I am not alone. :-) Happy Friday APOOO.
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Djuanna Brockington is is a Southern Diva who knows about mid-life. Once she hit her 40s, life as she knew it no longer made sense. What she wanted and what she was experiencing, both personally and professionally, were not matching up, so she started seeking change. Be careful what you wish for. After 19 years of service, Djuanna left full-time employment in the public sector for life as a consultant and writer. When she is not chasing the dollars to pay the bills, she is enjoying her family and friends, reading whatever she can get her hands on, and working on that elusive novel. Visit Djuanna on the web at http://www.divafictionbytes.com
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Don’t. Get. Me. Started.
Why do folks think we are NOT allowed to change our minds? It is MY mind. I can change it. Humph. I’ma go sid’own now. Cause I can’t get started on this. I’d be here ALL day.
pittershawn´s last blog ..miseducation…
LOL. I know Pittershawn. I know. I’m still kicking my own butt for going to boot camp this morning.
Djuanna´s last blog ..A Few More Tweaks
I’ve had a a situation earlier in the summer, when my entire family was in NY. A friend invited me to go eat at this seafood restaurant. We we’re going to make a whole day of it. She had a wedding to go to and needed help picking out something to wear. Well, that Friday night while we were out (someplace else) she received a call from her friend and invited her other friend. Before I go any further I should say when anyone first meets me they think I’m mean, but I’m like a dog. I sniff out people first before I let them get too buddy buddy with me.
I had a feeling that next morning about an hour before we were to meet…I DIDN’t WANT TO GO! I was trying to come up with something good as to why I didn’t want to go. Remember all the family was out of state, so I couldn’t come up with a thing. I went anyway and her friend and I were not immediately drawn to each other (we never really got into that type of vibe period). She couldn’t understand why we weren’t messing like she had envisioned.
THAT WAS THE LONGEST DAY EVER for me. I told her later on that I almost didn’t come and immediately she felt bad. Knowing her like I did that’s why I went. I did the old it wasn’t you it’s me thing. But in honesty I would have preferred to stay at home because I saw how she allows people to take advantage of her and told my husband I felt sorry for her. Her best friend (the one that was with us) never once tried to pull out her wallet to pay for anything. She kept picking things up that she wanted and my friend paid for it. I was beyond livid. Had I just canceled on her I wouldn’t of witnessed such onesidedness, but no like you I bitched up. Never again. Lesson learned.
Jennifer, why you gonna get me started?
See, here’s my thing…WHY do we have to find excuses to change our minds? I don’t do it anymore. If I decide I don’t want to do something, I just say I don’t wanna. It’s not about hurting anyone’s feelings, it’s about being true to my spirit and not living from a place of dishonesty in my soul. If someone decides to take a position of hurt because of MY choice, then that is not my burden. They chose that path. They could have just as easily chosen NOT to be hurt, and CHOOSE to understand and respect MY choice. They could have chosen to live in a space where they are not the center of the universe and allow for change and growth. They could have chosen to say, “I wish you were here, but if you don’t want to, that’s ok. I support your decision, and I’ll miss you. Maybe next time. Take care of you.”
Why is it that when we want to change our minds, folks want to make us feel guilty and believe that we are being selfish? Why? Why can’t we just be following our spirit and doing what the universe has guided us to do. Cause almost 100% of the time, our spirit is telling us right. The problem is we’ve been so trained to follow other people’s spirit, we’ve forgotten to follow our own. Humph.
I will always follow my spirit nowadays. Cause the last time I didn’t, and I followed what other people suggested cause I didn’t “change my mind” like I wanted to, I almost died in a car accident. Humph.
pittershawn´s last blog ..miseducation…
I liked this blog. It shows the different in communication styles. I on the other hand feel that I might change my mind – usually will not tell anyone until the last minute until I am sure that I am going to do and if you want to come along fine, and if not I have already made up my mind to do it anyway.
I have a friend like Friend T and usually I end the conversation – oh I have to do a conference call in a few (since I work with groups all over the world – it works) when they will not take no for an answer.
Ironically I blogged about something similiar today…we should only do things if we wanna…we all grown right…I had to grow into it though…
Blessings!
angelia
Angelia´s last blog ..ONLY IF YOU WANNA…
Well, I have a different take and it has to do with honoring your word. In Djuanna’s case, it was not really definite. If I had planned a day with a friend for shopping and dining and was looking forward to it and she just decided I don’t wanna go, no explanation, I’m being true to me, I think I would take offense. There has to be as reason although some of you say no reason. I feel it is disrespectuful. Disrespectful of my time and inconsideration. Maybe I took the day off from work and more than likely, I will go on with my plans, I hear you on that but I would be left wondering, how much I met to that person if they did not have a good reason to cancel (I can certainly understand if something came up) but to say I just don’t want to would leave me with a bad feeling and reconsidering just what kind of relationship we have and where I stand. I would think that person would be a flake and not to be counted on because of her whims. My two cents.
Dera´s last blog ..Memory Monday– The Way We Were
Dera what I saw here was someone being brow beaten to do something they really didn’t want to do…the other person wasn’t listening really well…so I think it works both ways…if a friend hmmms and haas about doing something…LISTEN…just because you want to do it doesn’t mean they want to also…I think a little listening on the front end would have helped all parties concerned. However, I believe this was also a learning lesson for Djuanna in the future as I know she will no longer agree to something that she really doesn’t want to do no matter how much the friend begs or coherses…lol.
I agree, Yas. We all know the difference between someone brow beating us and us being a flake. If my friends know me and know that I have never in the past just dropped something without reason, if I do it a few times out of the entire course of our friendship, then I think they should understand. If all it takes to ruin a friendship and trust is to change my mind about going to something I had previously agreed to, then those are friendships I stay away from. I’d totally understand if the person flaked out on 80-90% of agreements–then that is reason to be concerned. But I would not hold judgment over a couple of missed dinners, regardless of whether I took off from work to be there. I value my friends far more than money, a vacation day, or even some missed time. My friends far outweigh these things to me. It is so small in the grand scheme of things–at least in my life. Can’t speak for anyone else. I just care about people and wouldn’t ever ruin a friendship because someone made me take off from work a couple times and changed their mind. It has happened to me, and I just let it go. I either go alone, or allow the universe to guide me. For me, it simply meant there was something else I should be doing–and I’m then allowed to create something even more fantastic than that missed dinner, or whatever. Everything in context, I think. And each situation should be evaluated individually. All things considered, years of friendship, habits of friends, etc., I’m sure we know when someone is not really our friend. A couple of incidents should not have us flinging each other under the bus. None of us are perfect.
pittershawn´s last blog ..writing
Agree Pittershawn…that’s the way I operate also…additionally there have been times (not often) where I’ve fallen asleep and completely forgotten I was supposed to be somewhere…happened this weekend…missed a girlfriend’s bachelorette party…I called her and apologized profused…thank God she understood and she is still my friend…so true a couple of incidents should not have us flinging each other under the bus…and I think all of us are old enough to have some really good friends who sometimes just don’t want to do what we want to do…and yeah they might back out at the last minute…and that’s okay…now if they’re backing out all the time I still wouldn’t necessarily discontinue the friendship but I probably wouldn’t invite them anywhere else either…lol. Now me on the other hand…I usually wait until the last minute to commit to anything…so that way their are very few disappointments and when I show up you’re pleasantly surprised…:)