Wearing Anger As A Mask by Djuanna Brockington
By Djuanna Brockington • Jul 10th, 2009 • Category: Musings of a Mid-Life Diva •
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A couple of weeks ago, I was in Target doing my weekly thing up and down the aisles, when a young black female, in her late teens, early 20s, brushed past me in the shoe section. I was looking at cheap flip flops to wear to the beach. As I turned to look at her, I realized that she was glaring. The girl she was with turned to me and said “excuse us”, and then skittered behind her. I heard the Mean Girl say “I can speak for myself” as they moved along.
Now, you know me. My first reaction was to snap off a smart ass comment and keep rolling. Rudeness works on my one good nerve. But something about that girl’s face struck a chord with me. I quickly perceived that the scowl was not specifically for me. Instead, it seemed like the normal state for her face. Her comment to her friend only confirmed that for me.
As I continued walking through the store, I thought about the young lady and what could be going on with her. And then I thought back to the time in my life when I wore my anger as a mask. I didn’t want anyone to be able to see my true feelings of fear and anxiety. I instantly felt a connection with the angry stranger. My anger surfaced in my 30s. Raising kids is no easy feat. Raising kids by yourself even harder. For the first time in my life, I began to allow myself to really be pissed off. The anger coursed through my veins like hot lava. I would actually get physically hot and my heart rate would increase. I would concentrate my anger onto the person that dared offend me with laser-like precision, my sharp tongue at the ready. Calling me a hot head would be putting it mildly.
It wasn’t long before I realized that my anger was coming off of me in waves. People could feel it without me ever having to open my mouth. Male friends would tell me that I LOOKED like I didn’t take any shit and was unapproachable. My mask was a warning not to screw with me because I would not be an easy target. I was fine with that message. It meant that I was in control, or so I thought. The anger was taking a toll on me. My migraines were increasing, I was isolating myself, and my rages were getting scarier. I eventually became concerned about the example that I was setting for my daughter.
I started to look inward and began to do the work necessary to move forward in my life. I still get angry, but these days, it’s about things that matter (mostly). And then I try to use the anger as motivation to move in a positive direction. What I learned is that anger destroys from the inside out. What I was inflicting on others was temporary. I what I was inflicting on myself was lasting.
I saw Mean Girl again before I left the store. I whispered “Namaste” (the yoga saying that means “the light in me honors the light in you”) to her as I passed. I hope she felt it soul deep.
What masks do you wear?
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Djuanna Brockington is is a Southern Diva who knows about mid-life. Once she hit her 40s, life as she knew it no longer made sense. What she wanted and what she was experiencing, both personally and professionally, were not matching up, so she started seeking change. Be careful what you wish for. After 19 years of service, Djuanna left full-time employment in the public sector for life as a consultant and writer. When she is not chasing the dollars to pay the bills, she is enjoying her family and friends, reading whatever she can get her hands on, and working on that elusive novel. Visit Djuanna on the web at http://www.divafictionbytes.com
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In my younger years my mask was the mask of nonchalance…chaotic things were happening around me and I had no control over them…my goal was to wear a look that said…”I just don’t matter…’ As I aged I realized that I wanted those I loved to know that things matter to me and that I have feelings…’ I was a revelation for me….on a side note something that always touches me are the ’sad masks’ I see usually at Christmas time in malls, folks who know they can’t afford the stuff they are getting, but who feel that stuff is the only way to show love…that wrenches my heart everytime I see it…
BE BLESSED!
angelia
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I use to wear a mask of pretense. I discovered this after being homeless with my husband and two children. We were living out of garbage bags and were moving from place to place, but when it was time to go to church I pulled out my shinest suit, ironed out the wrinkles and pretended that nothing was wrong. I didn’t want anyone to know what we were going through and I made a conscious effort to ensure no one found out.
I would say I wear a mask of pretense still to this day. I have a really hard time letting people know that things jsut are not right, no matter what the situation. When it comes to my relationship there is no love between my husband and my family because of past relationship problems so I mask from them even the slightest problems. I can’t openly talk to my sister or BF about anything dealing with him. Any struggle that I face I internalize and put on a happy face because I don’t want the pity that comes with the situation, no matter what it is. I know I need to let this go because internally I stress, which is why I love to write because it is my escape.
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I wore the anger mask as well. People always told me that I was unapproachable. That I always seemed upset. I wasn’t I just didn’t like people believing that they could take advantage of me or walk all over me. I’ve been there done that. I know I shouldn’t have been that way because I slowly aged myself. The headaches were really bad because the scowl took a lot out of me to keep it on my face.Now with my I don’t care attitude I feel much better. I always have a neutral face and sometimes even a smile. Great blog.
Diva D…good topic…hmmm wearing a mask…I can’t say I’ve worn one because I’ve always been so open with folks and my facial expressions tell everything. Now I will say that some folks have not appreciated my honesty or directness…but true friends have accepted me as I am and when I said something they were offended by they let me know…fortunately this has not happened often…actually I can’t remember the last time it happened…maybe it’s because we’re all thick-skinned and don’t have a problem with da truth…lol.
I think we all wear many masks. In most cases we wear maks to protect our selves from the outside world. However, it becomes an issue when like the young lady you encountered at the store, certain masks become a permanent fixture. I hate to say it but I see so many AA women with the permanent anger look on their faces. And it isn’t just confined to the face it is in the words and behavior they exhibit. Life is difficult and many of us have been thrown some nasty pills to swallow but you can’t let the bitterness take over. Once the bitterness takes over it makes it that much more difficult to find pleasure in life. And life is too damn short to go around with a stank attitude day in and day out.
There are so many angry people; you see a lot lately. Unhappy people, mad at the world. Some people have had he.ard lives and anger is a natural state.
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